Eleven Years

I was sixteen and awkward.  He was eighteen and so quiet.  He wasn't the type of guy I usually noticed -- so shy and reserved -- but by God's grace he noticed me.

A date on the lake.  Late night phone calls.  A first kiss under a starry fall sky.  The weak knees and fluttery heart of a teenager girl head over heels in love for the first time.

...

Eleven years later he makes my knees weaker than ever.  My chest still tightens when I think about him.  I still wait at the door for him every night and hope it is him every time the phone rings.

Those eleven years haven't all been goose bumps and flirtatious glances.  There have been some pretty rough paths along the way.  But we take all paths together.  Always.

...

Tomorrow is the 11th anniversary of our first date.  God has recently done some things in our marriage that I never would have even dreamed possible.  He has taken our relationship -- with Him AND with each other -- to a level that we didn't know existed.  So much peace, healing,  communication, trust, joy....and I thought we were pretty darn awesome before ;)

God has taken the man of my dreams and grown him into the man I never new could possibly exist this side of Heaven.  I'm living in a constant state of praise, and it is good.

...

This weekend I heard a new song that made me break down like a baby.  I saw just how rich I am to have a man who leads me, with strong hands.  Stands up when I can't.   And who makes me feel everything but alone.

I love you, baby!  SILY ;)

Amy

Priorities of Passion

Balance.  Simplicity.  Prioritizing.  These seem to be the buzz words amongst busy moms these days.  Whether working full time with kids in school and daycare, or staying home with a homeschooling brood, balance and simplicity are what most of us mommies seem to be grasping at, sometimes desperately.

I know I am.  And I'm one of the desperate ones.

I can't tell you how many times I have sat down and tried to "prioritize" my life.  I start mentally listing those things that are a MUST - food, sleep, shelter, time with God, time with loved ones.  However, that list soon grows exponentially with needs ("to eat we have to grocery shop, to grocery shop we have to have money, to have money we have to spend hours maintaining our business records, to have a business we have to pay taxes, etc.") and goals ("I want to own land and farm it and get all my milk from my own cows that I milk every day") until the only thing I seem to have weeded out is my sanity!!

I have never, ever, been good at prioritizing.

Last night, though - I believe in an answer to prayer - a thought came to mind that completely changed the way I think about prioritizing.  Actually, it was a question:

"What are you passionate about, Amy?  Make your passions your priorities."


Hmmm....an interesting thought.  But will that method really work?  'Cause I can guarantee you I am not passionate about paying bills.  Or doing laundry.  Or washing dishes....

But then I thought about it, and realized this just might work.  I have a ton of things that I never seem to be able to keep up with that are always nagging me in the back of my head.  Sewing, knitting, tatting, crafting, scrap booking, cooking 100% from scratch, decorating my home, gardening.....the list goes on an on.  I felt a nudge from God to go through that list of things that I think I SHOULD be keeping up with, and really analyze which were my passions and which were just hobbies I enjoyed on an every-now-and-then basis.

Right now is no time for now-and-then hobbies.  With four kids at home under the age of five (and no TV!) and a husband who works 70+ hours a week, this is a stage with room for survival and passion only.

I heard God clearly tell me that I had to cut myself some slack.  In my dreams I will one day sew all of our clothing and cook 100% from scratch 100% of the time with food that came 100% from our own land, all while our baker's dozen of children run about my feet.  But I can't expect myself to be that woman now.  My husband and I were talking about how it is not the sustainable, simplified, self-sufficient lifestyle that is too much at this stage.  It is the transition that is overwhelming.   Finding land.  Fixing up this house.  Downsizing our material possessions.  Schooling the kids.  Maintaining my husband's business......

Getting to simplicity is just too darn complex.

One day.  One day we will get to the dreams we have been talking about together for 11 years, and dreaming about separately for even longer.  Until then, though, I need to have two kinds of priorities: priorities of survival and priorities of passion. (Side note:  my husband is INCREDIBLE at prioritizing.  I should have been doing things his way for a LOT longer!)

The survival list was pretty easy to come up with.  What do we need to stay alive?

PRIORITIES OF SURVIVAL:
Time with God (prayer, study, worship, praise).
Food (grocery shopping, cooking, dishes).
Health (medical appointments, exercise, healthy eating, adequate rest).
Finances (work, bills, taxes, budgeting).
Shelter (having a tidy, sanitary, safe place to live -- decorating and obsessive cleaning do NOT fall in the survival category!!).
Clothing (having clean clothes to wear -- whether they come from being folded in a drawer or thrown in a basket doesn't matter, they just have to be CLEAN!).

The next list took a little bit more thought and prayer.  What are those things that I am really passionate about?  What are the things I could do all day and never get tired or stressed over them?  What are the things that excite and energize me?  Here is what I have come up with so far:

PRIORITIES OF PASSION:
Time with God (yes, this makes both lists!).
Time with my husband.
Time with my babies.
Reading.
Writing.
Educating myself and my children.
Spending time outdoors.
Building intentional relationships with women I feel God is directing my heart towards.


That's it.

I have to admit, the second list was a little painful to make.  I had to really be honest with myself and confess that some of my hobbies were not truly passions right now.  I love to sew, but it is not a passion.  It can stress me out if I do it for too long or too often.  Gardening is not my passion.  I enjoy being outside and getting dirty, but I do tend to get distracted with all of my other passions and lose sight of my precious plants.  Having to admit that some of the things that I love to do I simply cannot do well at this stage of life was a small blow to my ego.  But honesty, especially with God and self, is definitely the best policy!

I feel like I can breathe for the first time in a long time.  I suppose you could say I am finally giving myself a little bit of the grace that God has already given me.  No more lofty expectations, no more comparing myself to other women.  For the first time in my life I will allow myself to thrive in the things I am passionate about without thinking I have to excel at everything.  There is now no condemnation!

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."  Romans 8:1

Lazy Man's Alarm Clock

I can say with all certainty that one big path to my husband's heart runs through his stomach.  The path to his brain also might detour through his stomach.  And I'm pretty sure there are a couple of other parts that take that route as well.

Whoever said men are complicated creatures must not have been able to cook.

When you have a husband whose job depends on having daylight to work by, getting him out the door in a timely manner is vital.  Sometimes, especially when you are married to a man who works such a physically demanding job, getting him up in the morning can be a challenge.  And so, let me introduce to you....*drum roll please*.....

THE LAZY MAN'S ALARM CLOCK!

Step 1.  Nudge the husband as you get out of bed (Not too hard, you don't want sleeping beauty to turn into sleeping grumpy!).

Step 2.  Get a pot of strong coffee brewing, and announce to husband that "Coffee is ready!" (It isn't actually ready yet, but there is no worry that he will jump out of bed before it is, so this little white lie is a forgivable and acceptable tactic).

Step 3.  Give husband a kiss, pull the covers off, and nicely roll him out of bed (Ignore all attempts to sweet talk, woo, or seduce at this point.  They are merely diversionary, as the husband will do anything at this stage to not have to get out of bed).

Step 4.  Get breakfast started.  Watch out, as husband will most likely fall asleep on the couch, floor, or table since he knows you are distracted.  Husband is not actually awake at this stage, but merely sleep walking.  If you ask him to check on a child, he will end up sleeping in that child's bed. Keep a close eye on him, or else you will have to start sending in the troops to find out where Daddy fell asleep.

Step 5.  Cook a breakfast no man could resist: 

bacon,

farm fresh eggs,

and cinnamon/brown sugar/vanilla french toast made with fresh eggs and homemade wheat bread.

  

If all goes as planned, husband will return from whatever sleepy corner he has crawled into approximately two minutes after the bacon starts sizzling.

Step 6.  Fight off any advances from husband while near hot bacon grease.  Don't forget that the path to your husband's, errrm, heart takes a direct route through his stomach.  Hand husband hot coffee and make him sit at table.

Step 7. Feed husband.  You should now be seeing signs of life and eyelids should be remaining open the majority of the time. 

Success!!

If your husband is like mine, and good, home-cooked, country-style meals make him go all googly-eyed like when you first met, then gifts such as this:

will start mysteriously showing up when he comes home from work in the evenings!

I think he is just bribing me for more food.

It is working.

=)

My Gardener

I remember being a little girl and reading The Secret Garden, by Frances H. Burnett.  That book captivated my tiny mind and whisked me away to a world so magical that it etched itself into my very identity.  I cannot recall to memory how many times I ran wild through the wooded acreage on the back of my parents' land, pretending that the overgrowth of trees and vines was my own secret garden.  I was even so fortunate, one summer, as to find a little patch of vines across the creek that had formed itself into a dome, creating a little space for me to hide away and enter into my world of make-believe for hours on end.  Those summers spent running carefree through woods which had the ability to morph into mystic and beautiful places right out of fairy tales hold some of my fondest and most deeply treasured memories.

Since reading The Secret Garden, gardens have been my mind's reprieve; my "happy place", if you will. When I accepted Christ at around 11 years old, my prayers consisted of me "walking" through a mental garden with Christ.  I can recall quite clearly a white swing that He would push me on as we talked while I drifted off to sleep at night.  Sometimes, with my eyes closed, I could actually feel myself swinging and smell the Spring breeze as it blew through my hair.  Those were sweet, sweet times.

That garden is calling to me now.  My spirit thirsts for those talks with my Lord, that intimate time in His company -- a time when the world my body resides in fades away as the world my spirit inhabits becomes a vivid reality.  No longer can I convince myself that those times were just "silly childhood fantasies"; no more can I say "Oh, that was then.  Prayer is different as an adult."  I need that garden.

Tonight my Savior beckoned me to come to Him in our Secret Garden in a very tangible way.  I had just gotten back in the car after feeding our pony and goats and switched the radio to The Word (the local Christian talk station) out of habit.  Focus on the Family was on, and they were broadcasting a speech given by Elisa Morgan (who happens to be the President Emerita of MOPS, an organization near and dear to my heart!).  She was comparing her spiritual walk to a Dixie cup garden (much like she does in this blog post that I found tonight), and talking about how we can plant the seeds, but must let God tend to the garden.

What happened next was magical, like something right out of one of those classic children's books I couldn't get enough off as a little girl!

The physical world around me faded away, and I was mentally transported back to my spiritual garden.  I heard God clearly speak to my heart, saying, "Amy, you feel frustrated and without hope because you are looking at all the tiny seeds that haven't sprouted yet, and at all the weeds that I yanked up.  But just look around.  Look at all of the gorgeous plants that I have grown up around you!"

In my mind's eye it was as if the blinders were removed, and suddendly I saw all of these huge, healthy, beautiful, green flowering pants and vines and trees all around me:

A godly husband who has turned into a fearless and caring leader!

Four sweet babies, two of whom have already accepted Christ at such early ages!

Close relationships with my sisters -- both my birth sisters and my sisters in Christ -- to sustain me through the crazy days of being a wife and mommy of little ones!

Health, happiness, and peace for myself and my loved ones!

There were so many plants, taller and greener than any I've ever seen, that I was overwhelmed with gratitude.  It is a good thing that I was at a long stoplight at this point, because I just put my head down on the steering wheel and cried out in thankfulness to my God! 

A new burst of excitement has been injected into my prayer life now!  I have a Secret Garden with a Gardener to tend to it, and He has promised me that He is caring for it -- and, consequently, my heart and dreams -- with a knowing and tender hand.  All I have to do is give Him the seeds and sit back in faith while He works! 

Will you give Him your seeds, too, my friends?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  (Jeremiah 29:11)

The Biggest Mess

Sometimes in this Great Big Blessed Mess, the messes surround us -- leaking sippy cups, potty training accidents, dishes that start to become science experiments. Being a Mommy is a dirty job filled with messes that others leave behind for the magical, invisible cleaning fairy (aka MOM) to deal with.

Sometimes, however, the biggest mess of all isn't surrounding me...it is in me.

We all have weaknesses -- internal hot spots that are prone to clutter.  And just like a clutter prone counter or room in our home, once we allow that first piece of junk to sit there it will breed exponentially, until we have no idea how the chaos got there or how to get rid of it.

For me, that weakness is insecurity.  One little feeling of rejection, one little comment I take too personally, and if I let it sit for too long it will start to reproduce all kinds of spiritual clutter.  Soon that insecurity has turned to self-loathing, and self-loathing to confusion, and confusion to indignation, and indignation to entitlement, and -- finally -- entitlement to pride.  Pride.  Don't we always end up there, no matter where we start?  For any separation from the Spirit must be rooted in pride.  Somewhere along the way we decided we could do it without Him, we knew better than He did, or we deserve more than He has promised us. 

So then what?  When the mess within us has gotten out of control, where do we even start?  We could get caught in the trap of "working" our way back, but hopefully we have grown in Christ enough (through all of our many past failings!) to realize that we can't work our way to anything.  If we can't DO anything, then what DO we DO?

Searching Scripture, I have found that just like all it took was a little doubt to start the snowball of spiritual clutter, PRAISE GOD!, the reverse is true, also!  If we can muster up the tiniest bit of faith, and let it sit there long enough, God will breed that faith exponentially within us through Christ!  Listen to what He tells us in 2 Peter:

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins." (2 Peter 1:3-9, NIV)

Thank you, Christ, for my eternal salvation!  Thank you for the security of knowing that salvation has nothing to do with what I've done, but with who YOU are!  Thank you for taking my tiniest seed of faith and doing the work to grow that in me, reversing in moments all of the pride I had let fester in my soul for so many weeks!  I am undeserving, and your grace is overwhelming.

Not because of who I am, but because of what you've done.  Not because of what I've done, but because of who you are!

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Ephesians 2:8-10)





 

A Poem to Encourage

Long time, no see!  So much is going on around our blessed little mess of a house that I haven't had much time to even think about blogging!  I'll be back, though; just needing to take a little time to catch up with life.  To hold you over in the meantime, here is a poem I stumbled upon while rocking a teething baby and flipping through old issues of Above Rubies.  I pray I can be this woman that not only my children need, but the world needs, as well!

"Mothers the World Needs"

by Kathryn Blackburn Peck

Mothers with courage, 

mothers who pray;

These are the kind

the world needs today;

Mothers who think,

who study and plan,

Mothers who laugh

as much as they can,

Having the gift that is

better than money--

The habit of seeing that

some things are funny.

Mothers whose faith

never wavers or falters,

Mothers whose spirits

the world never alters,

Loving the right and

scorning the wrong,

Facing the problems

of life with a song,

Mothers whose bravery 

transcends their fears,

Winning the battle 

with patience and tears,

Never submitting

to weakness or sin--

Storming heaven's gates 

'till the children are in.

Mothers heroic,

not guilty of whining,

Hands graced with service

and faces with shining,

Mothers of purity,

virtue and faith,

Steadfast in life and

triumphant in death.

Looking beyond the dark

pathway of sorrow,

Seeking a home 

in God's joyous tomorrow,

Leading the children,

pointing the way--

These are the mothers, 

the world needs today!